Christmas Eve
by spencefan109
Summary: The road to being healed can be a long one. Reference to drug use.
1. Chapter 1

a random plot bunny that just attacked me earlier this evening, tell me if you want me to continue.

excuse all mistakes and confusing sentences. It had not been beta readed.

"Reid?"Emily's voice asks behind me.

I jump and almost drop my coffee mug. _'Whats Emily doing here?! Its Christmas Eve and this is my apartment!'_

"H-How did you get in?" I ask as I try to recover from the shock.

"You're the type to have a key hidden."She says with a smile. The smile fades though and she turns away from me. Her voice is an octave higher when she speaks.

"So hows life?"She asks. _'Is she about to cry?! I don't know what to do. What do I say?'_

"Its good." I try to keep my tone light. I'm about to have a nervous breakdown. I'm wondering why she came to me, of all people, on Christmas Eve while shes nearly in tears. I'm just completely confused by the logic of it all. _'What logic?'_

She quickly turns to me with tears forming in her eyes.

"Reid, have you ever loved someone so much, that you would give them anything and everything if they asked?"She asked in a heart broken whisper.

"Yes."I answer. The word _Spence _runs through my head. '_Stop thinking about her. Shes married. You had your chance and you blew it!'_

"What do you do?"She wipes a tear away from her eye.

"I ignored my feelings,"I said,"and I regret it to this day."

I wasn't lying. I truly wished I had spoken before she had married him.

Emily starts to laugh.

"Whats funny?"I ask even though I really don't care. Now that I've thought of her, I can't get her out of my head. All I can picture is her fingers running over and over again through my hair as she talks softly.

"Us, me. Sitting here on Christmas Eve."She calls my attention back to the real world. In a way it is funny. Two hopeless FBI agents sitting in one's apartment on Christmas Eve while they both wallow in their self pity.

A feeling comes over me, one I haven't felt in a long time. I feel like there's going to be a tomorrow, like something will go right tomorrow, and I can be around JJ and feel hurt. Like maybe I'll be okay. Like maybe I won't argue with myself on whether or not to use again. Like maybe I won't tempt myself with a drug just to get a fake rush even though its nothing compared to Dilaudid. Maybe you can make it for six more months without it. Like maybe you can make it for two years without the tip of needle breaking your skin.


	2. Chapter 2

I told myself,"You are going to finish one of your multi chapter fictions before you post this."

I guess not. I have a general idea where I'm going with this. Feel free to suggest something. Do not expect long chapters or timely updates now that I have three stories

* * *

This feeling is a damn curse and blessing at once. I can't picture her golden hair or caring voice anymore. How can I want two things at once? I pass the wine bottle back to Emily. _What are we even doing here?_

"Reid?"Emily's tone is grateful.

"Yeah Emily?"

"Thank you,"She says,"For not turning me away."

"Thank you for coming."I respond. My tone is grateful too. We both needed this.

"Can I stay on your couch?"She asks sadly,"I don't have anyone else to go to."

I don't give a damn about her problems. I feel guilty for it and I hate myself for it, but the only real reason shes still here is the fact that I need someone too. I've never felt so inhuman before.

"Of course."I answer quickly. Emily set the now empty bottle on the floor. How pathetic can we get?

Why can't we just get over it? I ask myself over and over again, but I can't find any logical reason as to why I hurt so bad.

I'm thrown back into my own personal hell again when the silence consumes us, at the complete mercy of my desires and imagination.

I can almost feel her whispering in my ear and holding my hand. Almost. God, if this job wasn't my life I would run away screaming right now. It is my life though, so what can I do?

Emily starts to sob hopelessly. Its exactly what I want to do right now. I wrap my arms around her. JJ's gone; its just me and a woman who's broken on the inside. Its so nice to feel human again. I care now, but when this is over, I'm afraid I won't.

"Shh....."I whisper and pull her closer. Her crying slowly ceases, but shes still sniffing. I hand her a box of tissues silently. I'm afraid she'll start crying again and I feel horrible for being afraid.

"Merry Christmas Reid."It an obvious cue to leave. I have to face tonight's demons alone now. It was stupid to think that she could save me.

I passed her the blanket from my other couch and then went into my room to get her a pillow.

A silver gleam caught my eye. It was a picture on my nightstand of last year's Christmas party. We didn't have one this year; everyone was far too exhausted from a case.

Rossi and Hotch were sitting down. Both of them were drinking brandy and Hotch was smiling widely, a rare sight. Morgan was kissing Garcia on the cheek while she laughed about something.

JJ was holding Henry and William. My heart ached more then ever and I let a single tear fall onto my face. It hurt so bad to see them together, more then it should.

Then, by the drinks table, was Emily and I. She and I were laughing. I could've remembered why, but I was too emotionally exhausted to do so.

"Reid, are you okay?"I nearly jumped out of my skin when she spoke.

I hurriedly wiped away the tear I had allowed and sniffed once. I set the picture down gently.

"Me? Yeah, I'm fine."I passed a pillow to her and keep my gaze on the floor.

"Good night."She added softly.

"Good night Emily." I echoed. She shut the door behind her when she left, making me feel more alone then usual.

I changed quickly into pajamas, wondering if she came to me specifically or if there was no one else available.

I was asleep seconds after lying down. The best part though? I didn't dream.


	3. Chapter 3

A/N:Sorry it took so long. here it is. Reference to **drug use. **

I woke up far too soon. Everything from last night flooded back to me in an instant. I would give anything to fall asleep and never, never wake up again.

Then I realized I had something better. I rushed as quietly as possible to the bathroom. Then I lost all rationality. I knocked bottles of pills out of the way for it._ I had to have it._

"Reid?"Emily asked,"What are you-"

Her eyes widened in shock when she saw me with the needle.

Suddenly, I wanted nothing more then to be as far away from Dilaudid as possible. I threw it into the sink and rejoiced when I heard the sharp _crack._

I didn't realize I was crying until Emily took me into her arms.

"I'm sorry."I whimpered,"I-"

"Sshhh......"She whispered softly,"Its okay Reid, we'll get you through this."

"Don't tell Morgan or Hotch."I pleaded. The thought alone of them knowing was so painful I couldn't stand it.

"I won't."She reassured me. Why couldn't I be strong like her?

"I haven't used in-"I couldn't finish.

"I know,"She didn't sound convinced. She had to know that I wasn't an addict, she _had _too.

"No look!"I yelled. I hurriedly rolled up my sleeves before she could stop me. She didn't say anything for along time.

"Why do you have it then?" She questioned gently.

"I don't know."I lied. I didn't want her to know how weak I was.

"Reid,"Emily persisted. Why couldn't she just drop it? Why did she need to know?"We both know that's not true."

"I couldn't."I admitted and felt the tears come again,"Its my last one and I couldn't."

I started to shiver uncontrollably. We sat there for hours as I let out all my fears and pain.

"Reid?"She finally said when I was done crying.

"Yeah?"I asked shamefully. How could she still be my friend? After all I've done....how? I couldn't wrap my head around the fact that she was here.

"Listen to me."She paused,"I want you to know that I'm here for you, that everyone is here for you."

"I know."I said. The question wasn't whether or not I knew; it was whether or not I would use that. Would I ask for help if I needed it?

The answer was no, because asking for help would make me weak and I couldn't bring myself to have other people know that I am weak.

With a start, I realized that I would've screwed my total if Emily hadn't been here. The only thing that meant anything to me would've been gone.

I was pretty damn lucky.

"Lets get you cleaned up."Emily helped me up and guided me to my bed. She looked through my closet as I sat there in amazement,"Is this okay?"

She held up old jeans and a t-shirt I hadn't seen in years.

"Yeah."I answered.

"Here."Emily handed me the clothes and sat down next to me.

"Emily, what made you come here?"

"Why do you ask?"Her tone was carefully controlled.

"I want to know why you didn't go to Garcia or JJ."

"You always listen, and you just seemed like the right person to go to."It was clear she didn't and wasn't going to discuss this anymore.

"Thank you."I mumbled.

"You should get changed."She said and left the room, leaving me more alone then I've ever felt.

Do you want more? Reveiw and tell me if I got Emily in character, otherwise I'll be completely unsure about her.


	4. Chapter 4

A/N:I'm so glad I got this posted, cause I thought I would run out of time. All facts have the possibility of being incorrect, so I wouldn't use them in a report or anything....

Let me know if I got Emily in character, or anyone else out of character.

Disclaimer:I don't own Criminal Minds or the characters, etc, etc. Too bad for me:,(

_E.P.O.V.,Coffee Room, 8:01_

"How are you holding up?"I asked Reid gently. My heart ached at the very thought of Christmas. Seeing him like that hurt more then anything I thought possible.

He blushed deeply and looked at the ground before answering roughly,"I'm sorry about Saturday."

"Reid,"I waited until he met my eyes. How could he not understand that he could do anything and I would still love him? He finally looked up and I continued,"Never be sorry that you needed help. It isn't something to be ashamed of."

Reid was about to speak when Hotch came in. Hotch looked between the both of us and I wanted to say,'_Yeah, thats right. Leave.' _But I didn't. Hotch got his coffee as quickly and quietly as possible and left silently.

Reid glanced out to the bullpen and his gaze was instantly filled with pain. I saw her a second after he did. Thats when I knew that she was the one he had been talking about. That knowledge hurt. It hurt really bad.

He didn't run straight to her like I thought he would. Instead he glanced to me first, as if asking if he could. Then he rushed to her, leaving me wondering what that was about.

Why would he look to me before running to her? Now that I thought about it, I couldn't beleive I hadn't noticed before. He had always been there for JJ after the hard cases. He always had this look, a hard look to spot, but none the less, a look that gave him away. Was I the only one that knew? Or was I the only one who hadn't seen it sooner?

I took a deep breath. Would I be able to work with JJ the same way after this?

"Prentiss, could you file this for me?"Hotch asked, bringing me out of my thoughts and back into reality. He held a file out for me to take.

"Of course."I nodded once,"When do you need it by?"

"Tomorrow evening."Hotch answered. He disappeared into his office again.

_I will not let this get into the way_, I made myself promise on the way to my desk, _I will act like this didn't happen. _

_Re.P.O.V., 5:23, BAU Bullpen_

_Yeah, _I though to myself_,__ Thats it. I was subconsciously asking her permission to move away from the conversation. I owe her, so it would make sense._

"Hey Pretty Boy."Morgan greeted as he came over to my desk.

"Hey."I answered back quietly.

"Are you alright?"His tone was dead serious now,"You've been acting weird for a couple weeks. No mind numbing statistics."

We broke into a smile at the last sentence.

"Coulrophobia is the fear of clowns."I said with a smirk. He laughed and shook his head.

"Tell me something I don't know."He said.

"You knew that?"I countered.

"Thats not the point. Give me somthing random."

I closed my eyes in deep thought. I smiled to myself when the perfect thing came to me.

"The word 'queue' is the only English word thats prounced the same way with or without the last four letters in it."I replied. Morgan shook his head again and grinned.

"I got Hotch to come with us to dinner!"Garcia gushed excitedly as she ran to us.

"Thats my girl. See? All he needs is a little persuasion."

Garcia was about to reply, but I beat her to it,"Dinner? What are you talking about?"

"I asked you earlier, didn't I?"They gaze fell on me now. I nodded once it came back to me. I had been busy witth paperwork, so I didn't register it.

"Great, so I'll see everyone at 7?"Garcia didn't wait for an answer before going back over to JJ. I quickly moved my gaze away from her.

I felt horrible for leaving her there with Will having left her and all, but I couldn't go to her now. They would know soemthing was up, and the last thing I wanted was for someone to find out about my love for her.

What changed, I asked myself as I left the office with Morgan.

That was the question.

What changed?

Did you know that reveiws motivate a person, and that the more reveiws they get, the more they want to write?

Strange right? I never would have thought of it that way right? cough cough, heavy sarcasm, cough , cough.


	5. Realizations

_A/N:I don't own criminal Minds. Never have, never will._ To anyone waiting on my other story, I haven't forgotten about it, I'm just trying write it and its proving to be vvery difficult. I'll try to have it by next friday, no promises.

_Here it is:_

_H.P.O.V., 5:26_

I stopped walking when I heard Reid speak in the coffee room.

"_Emily, can I talk to you?"_

I knew instantly that I should leave before anything else was said, but I couldn't. I hadn't heard Reid this scared in a long time.

"Of course."Emily sounded like she knew what this was about. The urge to leave was still there, but the need to know what happened to Reid won out. I tensed up and waited for him to continue.

"You didn't.....tell anyone, did you?"His voice was raw with emotion.

Tell anyone? He wasn't......oh God no. He wsan't hooked again, was he?

"Of course not Reid."

I waited for them to say something else, but they swung around the corner swiftly. Where was I standing? Right next to the door.

"Hotch!"Theyy exclaimed in unison. Panic spread across their faces, confirming my suspicion. Reid was using again. The question now was if Prentiss was too.

"Hotch, I can explain!"Prentiss said urgently before I could even open my mouth. There was a desperation in her eyes that I had never seen before. Against my better judgement, I let her continue. Reid tried to talk at the same time though.

They continued until they tried to yell over each ther.

"Stop!"I attempted to speak over them. They continued with their efforts, neither of them heard.

"Whats going on here?"Rossi's voice rose above everyone else's. Prentiss and Reid turned quickly to face him.

They both tried to talk again, but I finally yelled over them.

"Reid, you first."

Reid was so nervous and scared that he couldn't speak. I waited in vain for him to form words, but they never came.

"Prentiss."I gestured for er to start talking. Rossi took the cue and left.

"I WASN"T USING AGAIN!"Reid wailed desperately. he rolled up his sleeves as fast as possible. Thankfully, there wasn't anything there. I looked at Prentiss and knew I had made the wrong assumption.

"I'm sorry."I apologized awkwardly,"I thought-"

"I know Hotch."Reid cut me off.

I was about to continue when I saw something unbelievable.

Prentiss had shifted positions so that she was in between me and Reid, like she was protecting him. Thats when I saw the spark in her eyes.

This could not end well, at least not if I said something.

"Sorry."I repeated and took off to my office to process my discovery. Prentiss and Reid? Absolutely unbelievable. As far as I knew, Reid still had that silent crush in JJ that no one knew about. But as I played it back in my head, it became all the more confusing.

Re.P.O.V., 6:59, Chili's

"Hey Hotch."I greeted as I sat down with the rest of the time. He needed to know things were okay between us.

"Hey Reid."He replied apolegitcally.

Emily and I meet eyes and we awkwardly looked away. The same thing happened with Hocth and Emily second later. No one wanted to think about what happened in the bullpen.

5 Hours Later(11:59)

I didn't know what to say. It was just me and Emily now.

JJ and Hotch had left after an hour or two, Morgan had disappeared with some girl, Kevin had picked up Garcia minutes ago, and Rossi was chatting pleasantly with the bartender.

So it was just me and her.

"Who were you talking about?"I found myself hopeful at her answer.

"When?"I knew now that she was avoiding the question. Was it someone at work?

Whoever it was, I felt something. I couldn't figure out what it was. It wasn't joy, or sorrow, or rage. Jealousy? No. There was no reason to be jealous. My heart whispered,'Shes anice beautiful woman. Whats not to like?'

I froze in place as I thought it through again. I could not love Emily. I loved JJ. But now that I thought about JJ, I knew it had been a stupid crush all along. This, whatever ot was between Emily and I, was different.

"Are you okay?"She asked hesitantly. I blushed nervously and nodded. For a second, I thought I saw a glimpse of hope in her eyes. Then I told myself to stop day-dreaming.

Please let me know if I get someone out of character. Its much appreciated.


	6. The End

A/N:Well this brings us to the end. I know its way shorter, but I've been struggling on how to end this, and this seemed fiting.

...................

I have to tell her. I could not sit around like I did with JJ. I could miss her, and I wasn't ready for a second heartbreak. Not now.

"Emily?"I hesitated when I heard how shaky my voice was.

"Kiss her already!"Rossi called from a few seats over. All confidence fled me when I realized he knew.

"You heard him."She murmured and offered a small smile. Suddenly, something bumped into me, pushing me far, far too close.

We kissed. It was like something from a fairy tale,as crazy as it sounds. Life didn't work out this way. We both instictively pulled away and blushed as we gazed into eachother's eyes. That's the last thing I remember clearly.

.......

Emily wasn't here yet, and although I would never admit it, I was glad. I was not ready to face her yet, not after last night. I didn't know if she kissed me because of the alchohol or because she actually liked me. My heart wanted it to be the latter, but things never turned out this way.

What worried me more, was if the team found out. Rossi knew, but would he tell?

As if on cue, he walked out of his office and passed me for coffee.

"Rossi!"I called after him. He probably wouldn't tell, but I had to be sure.

"Yes Reid?"He came to me with a mock confused look.

"You wouldn't... tell?"I keep my voice just above a whisper so no one else would hear.

"Tell what?"He asked with the same expression. I could've sworn I saw him wink before he turned back to the breakroom. I sighed in relief and went back to filing paperwork.

I tried to focus, I really did. She walked in and quickly shifted her monitor so she couldn't see me. My thoughts continually drifted back to her, over and over again until Morgan finally got my attention.

"What's wrong Pretty Boy?"He looked away and I used that second to compose myself.

"I'm tired."I admitted, although that was irrevalent.

"Are sure thats all?"He prodded gently,"You seem a little stressed."

"Well,"I pretended to act hesitant while I thought up a lie. I hated doing this to him, but I would not be teased by him about her,"This job doesn't pay that well and-"

"Kid, if you need money, just ask."To my relief, he didn't open his wallet, because I would've spilled the truth in an instant. I would never take his money, not like that.

"I'm managing."He nodded and waited for me to continue. When I didn't he said:

"That's why I'm here Reid. To help you out if you need it."

With that, he left me with my mind. I would never lie like that again.

"Reid."Emily hissed so only I could hear. I glanced up to find her looking directly at me without blushing. She motioned for me to come here.

"Do you want this to be something?"I blurted out before she could speak.

"Of course Reid. I always have."

Wait. Was she there this whole time? I wanted to laugh at myself and hit myself at the same time. How could I be such an idiot? I was a profiler and I missed it.

"If you want this to be something, you need to cool it."A small smile formed and she squeezed my hand gently.

I felt my face get hot rapidly as I said,"Am I that obvious?"

"Yeah, you are."She said it in an endearing tone that made my heart skip a few beats.

I leaned forward slowly, not because I didn't want to be caught. I didn't care about that right now.I just wanted to make sure she as okay with it.

And she was.

..................

A/N:Did the ending suck? TELL ME YOUR OPINION! I can not improve if you don't tell me anything.

Thanks to anyone who stuck with the story, whoever that is. And to anyone who actually reveiwed, thanks TONS!


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